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Dear Men: Dating Doesn’t Stop Once She’s Your Girlfriend

As guys, we put so much pressure on ourselves to perform when we’re in the early stages of getting to know a girl.  How to approach the girl, what to do on a first date, etc.  It makes sense: we want to put our best foot forward for a new girl that we’re really interested in.

Once you actually get into a relationship with this girl, all the rules go out the window.  It’s almost like asking the question, “What happened before the Big Bang?”  No one quite knows the answer.  It’s a symptom of our culture – we’re more interested in how to get the new girl or how to get a girl that you like interested in you than what to do when you actually succeed!

Here’s the thing: there are no rules to this stuff.  There are only principles that you should think about, ways to guide you along the inevitably rocky course of your relationship.  Keep these in mind and put them into practice and you’re practically guaranteed to have a more successful, passionate, and stronger relationship with your woman.

Is she having fun?

A lot of guys tend to relax a little bit once they get into a stable relationship.  After all, you got the girl, so you can take a breather and not put in so much effort, right?  Well, yes and no.  As a couple you’ll fall into your ‘couple routines’, but if these routines encompass everything you do together, don’t expect her to stick around for too long.

The best way to think about this is act as if you never truly ‘have’ her.  Act like you always need to court your woman to keep her interested, excited…and having fun.

How do you actually do this?  Learn to have fun no matter what you’re doing, and do it for yourself.  When you can make anything fun or light-hearted, it’s hard for a girl to not be interested.  When you have her wondering what you’ll do next on your “boring” walk to the store, you’re doing it right.

Add spontaneity into your life – not for her, but for yourself!  She’ll benefit just be being with and around you.  Let’s say you get dragged out for a riveting day of shopping.  Usually sitting on a couch in the store checking out something on the phone is the go-to play for most guys.

You could do that, but you could also try to make this shopping experience more memorable.  Maybe you could actually give a shit what she’s putting on and why she thinks it looks good or bad.  Maybe you could start chatting up a clerk and learning about the 234,290 different types of women’s underwear that exist so you can actually give her girl a genuine compliment on how sexy you find her black garter belt and stockings.

Bottom line: make memorable experiences out of every day life with your girl.

Does She Feel Sexy?

There have probably been a few hundred books about this topic and countless couples therapy sessions around the globe.  In reality, it’s pretty simple, but it takes some work and knowledge on what makes a girl feel sexy in the first place.

  1. Be interested in her brain
  2. Compliment her
  3. Tease her

Be Interested In Her Mind

If you’re not interested in what’s going on in your woman’s head, one of these two things is true: either you’re extremely boring, or you need to find someone with more similar interests.  There’s nothing sexier to a woman than a guy that can hold a long, deep, interesting conversation just talking about things that interest the both of you.  Ask her what she thinks about topics and be genuinely interested in her answers – she’ll be able to tell if you’re not.

Compliment and Tease Her

Complimenting is such an over-done topic that there’s not much to cover here.  All that matters is that it’s sincere and comes from a place of truth.  That means that you can spit out a really weird, random compliment that sounds like it would completely backfire and she’ll absolutely love it as long as you’re being truthful.  Tell her she has amazing cheeks that are really turning you on as you wait in line at the grocery store.

Say what you think un-filtered and make it fun.

Does She Feel Protected?

You’re probably not going to run into a situation where you actually have to protect your woman from physical harm, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need to feel protected when she’s with you.  Most of the time feeling protected is entirely psychological.

At the highest level, it’s pretty simple: be confident, and be in control.  But saying that is like telling a guy that’s been bad with girls his whole life to “Be yourself.”  He’s been himself for a while and it’s clearly not working, so the advice doesn’t help much, does it!

It’s the same for being confident and in control.  What does it look like to be confident and in control?  Acting like a happy, passionate man that’s on his path in life and isn’t swayed by the bullshit that floats around him is a great start.  Imagine that you’re one of those ships that plow through ice up in the Arctic Sea.

The ice is all of the swirling mass of things that can distract you and pull you from your path in life, and you’re the ship.  Just plot the course and break through the ice.


This is a really attractive trait to people in general, let alone your girlfriend.  She’ll see that you’re someone who’s confident enough to stick to your mission in life and it will make her realize that you possess the capability to protect her from whatever she’s feeling threatened by in her own life.

What this looks like in real life:

  • Pay for both of you when you go out…but be confident enough to let her pay for you if she wants to
  • DECIDE.  Make fast and firm choices on what to do…but be open to suggestions or better ideas
  • Stick up for her…but allow her to stick up for herself and support her with only your presence
  • Listen to her without trying to solve her problems…but help to solve them if she asks you to
  • Lead her physically.  Take her hand and walk through crowds of people, etc

Does She Feel Loved?

This is the one that most guys already understand.  However, we’re naturally problem solvers and we try to solve it in fairly cliché ways.  Expressing your love should be an exchange between you and your girlfriend, not a way to win her over, change her mood, or apologize for something that you did.

So if you love her, tell her when you just can’t hold it in.  Tell her you love her when you’re having sex.  Say it when you mean it and only when you mean it…she’ll be able to tell and she’ll care much more than if you make a grand gesture to recover from a screw-up.

You Never Really Stop Dating Your Girl

This is the point to take home.  Just because you’re dating her now doesn’t mean you will in the future.  There are always options on the table for both of you, and once something starts to wane in your relationship, other options start to look a lot better.  If you love your girl, don’t let it happen.  Put in the effort to make yourself a man that she couldn’t dream of NOT being with.  It’s on you.

About the author

Kevin Espiritu

Cofounder of GreatMate. Lover of sandwiches, music-playing, weird hobbies, and building cool things.

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