There’s a point in every guy’s life where he sits back, thinks of his friends, and says to himself, "At least I’m not Brad or Chad or Insert Generic Dude Name Here."
It’s okay. Don’t feel bad. Chances are, you have been the friend everyone is "glad they aren’t" at some point too. Because let’s face it, there’s no way you can be the best all the time and even though you might not think so, you more than likely have some traits your chums find just as displeasing as you find Brad-Chad’s poor time-management.
The truth is, we’re all that guy at some point in time.
Now, I’m going to lay down some harsh truths about your male buddies, but hear me out; I’m kind of an expert in this sort of thing. I’ve had the same group of guy friends since my early teens. Some of them make me laugh, some make me cry, and others make me want to find the nearest oncoming train to toss them in front of it.
Let me introduce you to some of them.
The Friend Who Cannot Lose (Even If He Does)
Being competitive doesn’t have to always take shape on the football field or in the ring. Sometimes it takes place in your own living room.
You’re about to lay wasted to your opponent (and best friend) in a friendly Halo match. Up in your sniper’s nest you’ve got the perfect shot lined up and ready to reach top-dog status.
And then, your friend leans forward and turns the system off, only to look over his shoulder and say, “What? You were about to win.”
Yeah, that guy.
This is just an example, of course. There’s numerous ways this ego-maniac can ruin a party or you family BBQ with his inability to suck at something. A simple game of ping pong turns into a brutal match for who can lob the plastic ball back and forth the most and a night of fun drinking turns into a night at the emergency room, cause he couldn’t have you performing a more impressive keg-stand.
Handling this kinda guy is no easy feat, but there are two ways.
One, just don’t invite him to your Fantasy Football draft if you know he’ll start treating it like he somehow bought the Chargers.
Two, when you do invite him somewhere, pick something you know he doesn’t care about, then all you’ll have to deal is him busting your cajones a little bit from the sidelines.
The Friend Who "Borrows" Your Stuff...Forever
This guy doesn’t need to own anything of his own because why do that when he could just borrow it from you indefinitely? Chances are he’s the one that borrows your best stuff and doesn’t give it back until you find it in ruins and wedged under the passenger seat of his oldsmobile one day.
The solution to dealing with this friend is the easiest of the bunch. Just don’t let him borrow anything, ever.
The Friend Who Always Has Magical Last Minute Excuses
He knows that he can’t be relied on to get a damn thing done, but continues to promise that he’ll get everything done and totally pick you up from the airport when everyone else bails on you.
The way that I’m able to deal with my persistently unreliable chum—who we’ll call Dave for the sake of this article—is to bend the truth a little bit. If I and the rest of the guys make plans to meet at the bar at 6, I’ll inform Dave that the meeting time is 5. Sure, it’s a little dishonest, but at least he shows up on your time.
The Friend Who Always Has The Better Story
Not too long ago a group of co-workers and I went out for the clichéd Happy Hour. After a few drinks everyone loosened up and began sharing what one might call “war stories.” This involved telling and showing off various scars, recounting our experiences. Not a few minutes into the story of how I was mauled by a dog as a kid, did one of my co-workers interrupt halfway through to talk almost being decapitated on a ski-trip.
Now neither story is pretty and I’ll spare you the gory details involved, but it’s a perfect example of the one-upper. This friend can’t let anyone look cooler than him…ever. He needs to constantly be the center of attention and remind you that while your skills, stories, and experiences might be interesting or cool, he’ll always have something better tucked up his sleeve.
The best way to deal with this friend is let him enjoy his short-lived moment in the limelight. Eventually he’ll run out of steam and the topics we’ll shift—one thing to avoid with this guy is getting competitive and becoming the other obnoxious friend.
The Friend Who Lies To Your Face Consistently
The least fun of the bunch, the pathological liar is the one you need to worry about. He takes every opportunity there is to poison the friend well, because the liar feeds off the fact that he knows the truth and you don’t; it gives him the illusion of always being in control of what’s happening.
Dealing with the pathological liar is a tricky thing. One might consider calling him out on it, but that could go either way. I’ve found that the most effective method is to remove this guy from your group of friends as fast as a bouncer ejects a rowdy drunk—no one needs a sociopath.
These are some of the personalities I’ve encountered and how keep them in check or simply cut out of my life. None of this advice is foolproof.
Do you have (or have you been) any of these friends? Maybe there's an annoying friend that I didn't cover in this list? Drop it in the comments below and enlighten us.